I was talking with my dad the other night. It was the usual conversation, how is the weather etc. then he started to tell me about what he did that weekend with my sister. Now if you have been following and reading any of my previous posts you will know that I have a very crazy family dynamic when it comes to my parents (while my mom was still alive) and my sister and me. To sum it all up, it is like my parents have two separate and distinct children and they interact separately with them. I have no relationship with my sister, it is not that I don’t, I would love one and for the live of me don’t understand why it is this way. She has completely without explanation, at least to me, wrote me out of her life.
It wasn’t always that way. When we were growing up I was older by just over four years. So we never were in the same schools frankly I was not a good student so she had some pretty low standards to overcome when she got into the higher grades. When I joined the Navy she did come out to visit me and ended up staying and getting a job as a Nanny, that was about the only time I remember being fairly close.
I moved away from home when I joined the navy and never really moved back. The closest I moved was about 5 hours. She went away to college and then moved about seven hours away from home. For a period of time my folks had us both within driving distance. She got married, but still lived a days drive away. I moved to Virginia in 1999 and never moved back. She moved about two hours away shortly after that.
Being away from home I would call on the holidays and talk with everyone as they would all usually be at my mom and dad’s house. One easter I called talked to my folks, to my sister’s husband then when it came time to talk to my sister, she ran out of the house saying she couldn’t talk to me. I asked what was going on and nobody knew. I was really perplexed by this occurrence. I finished talking to everybody and went about my day.
A couple of months later I got a phone call in the middle of the day at my work from my mom. She said that she wanted to talk with me and to call me back when I was finished with work, but before I left for home when I could talk alone. OK now I am really curious. That was at about 2:30pm.
I when 4:30 came around, I closed my office door, called her and she put my dad on the other phone. My mind is spinning, do one of them have cancer, did someone die? After about 10 seconds, my mom announced that she new why my sister acted so weird when I called at easter. There was this pause, I am thinking, OK… So I said, OK why? She said that the year before she had a miscarriage and was so distraught from that she was seeing a psychologist to help her through that issue. During that he uncovered repressed memories of me molesting her and trying to rape her. And because of that she didn’t want to ever talk to me again. (For the record, I did not do this. I was at the time being abused by our male babysitter and quite frankly that is the only exposure to sex I was aware of) My mind was racing. First of all I thought I never did, I was waiting for my parents to ask the most obvious question that I would ask if I found this out from one of my kids. “Did you do that?” Or “Is what she is remembering true?” But that is not what the next words or the subject of the whole phone call was.
No the phone call was to tell me what she remembered so I will now shut up about it, and never ask the question again. I felt like I was emotionally amputated. My one and only sister may or may not have been sexually abused as a child as I was. I would venture to guess by the same perpetrator. And now she has forcefully abandoned me, she has put a wedge between my parents and me.
I tried to ask some probing questions of my mom, but all she wanted to do was tell me that it is a done deal, we are not going to talk about it, ever again.
So this went on for five years. Then in March of 2016 my mom suddenly passes away. With my sister living so close to my dad I knew that she would be there and a big help. I am grateful for that. I was very curious as to what was going to happen when I showed up, was she going to run out of the house, was she going to make a big scene? Nothing, nothing happened. It was like the past five years did not occur. I showed up, she met me at the door with a tearful hug. She was there with her family, two older boys and two younger girls. The kids interacted with me, the girls came and gave me hugs. Now frankly if I was had a daughter and I knew my wife was molested and raped by anyone, I would not allow that person close to my daughters, much less let them hug and such. I am sorry, the first part of this story just doesn’t jive with this last part.
So I was there with my dad and sister for a couple of days after my moms funeral, I went to breakfast with my sister and a group of ladies that my mom used to meet with, some were our teachers when we were in school. My sister rode in the car, alone with me. We talked like normal brother and sister. I was waiting for something, anything. I did want to say, what the heck is the last five years about, but out of respect for my mom I kept my mouth shut.
Then after we went back to our homes I texted her a couple of times, nothing. I sent her a birthday card. My birthday came and went, nothing. I asked my dad about it at first and he said she was mourning my mom, which we all were. So I cut her some slack.
But this last weekend he brought up the weekend that he spent with them, and all that they did. I had enough. I told him, in part out of my frustration, part in hopes that he may do or say something in my defense. I told him that she has felt the need to cut me out of her life. I don’t know or understand why. But because of that I really don’t care to hear what goes one there. He acknowledged that it is happened then said, I don’t know what I can do. You can tell her to stop it, or find out what is going on, get us both on the phone and get to the bottom of it. Don’t play the victim. You are the patriarch of this family.
I have finally accepted the fact that my family is a fractured dysfunctional mess. My parents sole desire was to not deal with anything which required feelings. My sister, well I simply don’t know what is her agenda. Myself, I just mourn the loss. I have had nothing but loss when I try to attempt anything that resembles family, whether it be relationship with kids, or siblings or parents. I even tried to connect with my cousins whom I was close to when we were growing up, and they didn’t seem to want to connect. When I asked if they were on facebook, all I got was a no, but I caught my cousins wife checking her FB status on her phone after my mom’s funeral.
So all that I have to think about is when my dad passes away, which frankly I expect in the next several years. Frankly I am not planning on going to the funeral. As far as I am concerned funerals are for the living, the survivors, the family. There is nobody in that family who appears to want to connect with me. Why should I travel 1300 miles, spend the time and money for hotel rooms, just to be marginalized. As far as estate, he really doesn’t have anything that I want. I have all from him that I want, they sold or gave away anything else that would have meant anything to me. I don’t need the money. My sister is the executor of the will so who knows.
I do feel a resounding peace about this, partly because I have said my peace to my dad about the whole situation. Another part is because I am writing it out. I am finding that it is very cathartic to write.